Lucky Number 7

Today marks 7 years since my brain hemorrhage . In the past I have often picked a word for the next year, like a big year long intention. As I start writing I don't think that is my plan. I think I want to talk about acceptance, perseverance, and gratitude.

Acceptance

I am part of an online support group on facebook for people who have hemianopia, which is the vision condition I have as a result of my stroke. Many people try everything under the sun to try and return to normal vision. It is hard to say that because the loss of half of the visual field is due to part of your brain being starved for oxygen, it is dead. It won't come back. The accepting that and making the best of what you have is important. Other things improve. You get better and quicker at scanning to the side of your vision that is missing. You get better at understanding what you are seeing, but the field cut is always there. The fatigue from seeing is always there. I am better at predicting it and compensating for things that I know will make me tired. But the fatigue is no joke, I sleep way more than a human should!

Perseverance

I have had multiple people tell me they can't believe how far I have come. I think that the reason that is something I developed in yoga and running. In yoga it is tapas, pushing yourself when things are challenging and sticking to it. My attitude from the beginning when confronted with something I found hard was to tackle it, even if it was in a new way. At first in the hospital I used to carrying a pad of paper with me to write down the way I had gone, so I could follow it backwards to get back to where I started. I still carry a pad of paper and pen in my purse just in case I need them. Ian would say to me in those early days "who's not giving up?" and I still kinda carry that with me. I wanted to run again so I practiced and I am back up to runnng 10-15 kilometres a week. A run is always followed by a nap, it is about balance. When something made me anxious, rather than avoid it, I figured out what about it I thought I couldn't do, and then figure out a way to do it now. In March of this year I flew to visit my brother for his birthday alone. My friend dropped me off at the airport and my parents picked me up at the other end. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it alone. I likely won't ever again, but I know I can. That idea of breaking down challenging tasks into easier bits and finding ways to work at it is a huge stregnth when it comes to moving froward with anything. Rather than avoiding the hard stuff I have leaned into it. I sat in my suck and faced my grief, I adapted the way I do things when needed, and seen mistakes as a less to learn rather than a failure. I think this attitude in life is important. Sometimes this means noticing that you are telling yourself stories in your head that may or may not be true. Can we put down our own beliefs and try and see things through a clearer lens? What I believed about myself before may have been useful then but it could be holding me back now.

Gratitude

Gratitude was my way of staying out of self pity and depression. When I was having a hard time I literally set an alarm on my phone to go off at 9, 1, and 5 and I have think of 3 things I was grateful for. Sometimes it was simple things like "I slept in my own bed", "There is watermelon for dessert", "I get to wear leggings everyday" but it changes your perspective and gets out of the negative thought patterns that are easy to fall into in grief. In yoga philosophy this is the key to santosha or contentment.

Now I am far enough out from my brain hemorrhage that I can start to be grateful for the gifts it has given me. I have gotten to know myself very well, and I enjoy being alone. I have done the work to look at my own patterns of behaviour and try and change the things I don't like or that make me unhappy. I have a better relationships with the people I love. I enjoy cooking now that I have more time. I have time to make me a priority and that is a gift. I am a much cleaner and organized person, partly due to more time and not working and also out of necessity. Becuase I am no longer able to work and get long term disability insurance we are able to afford for my husband to retire earlier. Not working and not driving means I spend a lot less money. I don't yearn to travel and I am happiest at home. We are looking forward to time together while we are both able to enjoy it. This feels like an enormous gift.

This attitude and choice of how I see the world has absolutely changed the way I feel. It puts me in a place where I feel happy most of the time. My set backs and "leftcidents" I am usually able to laugh at, or at least it is an opportunity to examine the story I am telling myself and release them and see things more clearly.

So thank you brain bleed for teaching me:

• to ask for help when I need it

• to look at mistakes as learning opportunities

• to realize that each moment is a gift

• to see common humanity with others

• to set boundaries for myself

• For the gift of time to work on the things that hold me back from being my best self and happy

• An opportunity to meet new people and make new friends

• Heightening my sense of compassion and connection

• Time with my husband

  
  

For now I suppose the goal is to keep moving forward. To work on myself and be open to others as much as possible. Lean into the challenges, work hard, rest when I’m tired and enjoy every minute.

And isn’t that the gift. Time is precious. Enjoy. Be here now, not in the past or worry about the future. Connected to the people with you right then. Connected to yourself when you are alone. What a gift.