Closing Time

It is hard to believe that it is the 8th time that I have approached the end of the year since I started this little website. When I started this, I was working full time in a special needs preschool and this time of the year was often challenging with kids being excited and families being busy. And I tried to make the holidays perfect for my family too. I did all the shopping for my immediate family, baked, wrapped and decorated.

Then in the second year of having this website I navigated my first holidays post brain hemorrhage and was attending outpatient occupational therapy once a week. I had no idea yet what the future would look like, if I'd work again, if I would qualify for long term disability insurance, or if I could make it to 2 pm without a nap.

I have written about being present and not elsewhere in your head, good advice especially at this time of the year. I have talked about noticing the old story as you get pulled into old patterns. My mantra in December is always however, to Shiva.

Om Nama Shivaya

Simply I bow to Shiva. You can hear me chant it 108 times here. This year I am treating it as an opportunity to let go of patterns of behaviour that I no longer want to keep doing. I see them, I clearly label them in my head and try to notice when I am falling back into those old patterns. To acknowledge that just noticing the pattern is a win. To maybe choose a different course of action.

Example. I will almost always put myself last and will resent it. We are out at the lake for a few days and my husband thought maybe he would take Monday off too and we'd stay for another day. I have a hair appointment on Monday that I made 3 months ago. My first thought was that I could cancel and reschedule, but I noticed. I said no I had to be back (and then sat and felt bad about maybe letting him down and maybe I really should cancel, but she only works two days a week so it is hard to get in... ). I really want to let go of my habitual people pleasing and wanting to make things easier for everyone else. I want to offer a fix to everyone else's problems to my own detriment. I wear myself out being there for others and keep everything that is stressing me out, inside. Until I am crying in yoga philosophy book group.

So this behaviour of not speaking up for me I am offering to Shiva the destroyer. I am done with it. When I notice the urge to look after someone else at my won expense I will smile, think of shiva and make a better choice. Or I will try.

There are three big Hindu gods; Brahma then creator, Vishnu the preserver, and Shiva the destroyer. Beginning, middle and end. And so every time I think of Shiva I also think of the song "Closing Time" by Semisonic. "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." That the way we make room for the new and grow is by letting go of what no longer serves us our life. So what are ready to let go of to make room for new? Shiva is also the origin of the third eye, when his consort Pavarti covered his eyes his third eye grew on his forehead to see what can not be seen. The source of our intuition. When we chant to Shiva we also shine some light on our intuitive sense and trust that we are our own best counsel.

Give it some thought. You deserve to release patterns and thoughts you don't need anymore, even if once they kept you safe, or served a purpose. If now they make you unhappy, let that shit go. You deserve your best life. You should be happy. And if no one told you today you are worthy of love and acceptance exactly how you are. It is possible to be loved even if boundaries are present. What if letting go opens up the door for some thing more wonderful than you ever imagined.?