Reminding Myself to Nap

The fourth yama is brahmacharya, or non-excess. This has easily been the biggest change for me since my brain bleed. The goal posts have moved and what used to be a normal day for me, would now push me past the point of exhaustion. Before my struggle was more with over indulging in delicious but maybe not the healthiest food. I've always struggled with my weight. I wouldn't say that is over for me, but I really just don't care. I've actually changed how I look at it.

I was trying to describe it over the weekend. My bandwidth for what I can cope and handle has shrunk. I don't handle stress the same way anymore, it takes way less to push me to my breaking point. And fatigue impacts me so much more. One bad night of sleep would make me sleepy but I could still function before, but now it ruins my whole day. So I am really having to get to know myself all over again, and learn how to read the new signs that my body is giving me. I have to be better at setting boundaries for myself and sticking to them. And I have to be gentle with myself and not push too hard (hey look, non-violence again).

I wrote last time here about how you live your best life on a holiday. How you nap when you are tired, eat when you are hungry and listen to your body, and how it fills you back up. The last little bit I needed a reminder of this. I was trying to not nap so I could sleep better at night. But what ended up happening is that I got over tired and then didn't sleep well anyway. So yesterday I napped. First time in weeks. And last night I had my best sleep in ages. So no more denying myself. I do often meditate in the afternoon rather than have a nap. I find that this fills the same need. But sometimes I am just tired. So why am I denying myself what I need? Because I feel like I should be able to do more? To try and prove to myself that I am getting better? It is silly.

I've also been trying to do more physically to increase my stamina, like going to a couple yoga classes in town here a week, but that means a 3 km walk each way carrying my mat and bag, in addition to the class. My body is telling me that maybe I am pushing it too hard also. But I was ignoring the signs. Yesterday my knee was aching, my shoulders, my feet, so today I am doing very little. I'm trying to rest to give my muscles a chance to catch up. I forget that I can't do all the stuff I used to do. I want to be able to get back to my old life but it is going to take lots of time. And even then, I would have driven to yoga. Not walked, sherpa-ing all my stuff.

And the other thing that I have started paying much more attention to is what goes in my body. Not counting calories or anything like that, but if I am feeling off or tired, I look at what I have been eating and drinking. Considering what I am choosing to nourish myself with. Have I eaten fresh vegetables, or drank enough water? Or have I been eating "easy" foods and drinking pop (my vice!).

It boils down to this. What does my body need, and how can I give it the right amount of it? I need to, believe it or not, play on my iPad each day as a form of therapy. Reprogramming visual learning and it is the best way to get a variety of stimulus into my brain. But too much and I pay for it. Similarly with watching t.v. It is no longer a relaxing easy activity but is hard work for me. And I have to do some of it, but there is no watching for hours! I also have to make hard choices about things I want to do. Like my husband and I decided that we will not be going on a road trip this summer like we had maybe thought we would. I just can't, I'm not there yet. It is setting boundaries and trying to stick to them. And then facing that reality that this might be the rest of my life. And that is hard... but we can talk about that next time when we discuss non possessiveness. Because for me these two things go hand in hand now.

So I invite you to think of your life and where the imbalances are? Where is the excess and how does impact your life? Can you be curious about them, and invite small change? Can you be gentle with yourself, and lovingly set some boundaries?