It Isn't All or Nothing

This post has spent a long time percolating in my head (note: that doesn't mean that it is especially good, but it has been on my mind for a bit). To understand where this is coming from, let's go back a little over 3 weeks ago. I was out for my walk, slipped on some ice and didn't even hit the ground! Came home and I bent over to pick something up off the floor and TWANG! I felt the nerve pinch in my right butt cheek. Twenty-four hours later I could barely walk, and I spent the next week or so walking like I was pushing an imaginary walker. I angered my sciatic nerve. It is still bothering me, but at least I can stand and walk upright. First thing in the morning is pretty good, but by bedtime it is tired and tender.

I was all prepared to start running on the treadmill again, I was literally going to start the next day when my husband went back to work, rather than working from home. I wanted to add some more fire and activity to my schedule and get back into better shape. There has been a lot of inactivity this fall and winter. But it was not to be. I was forced into more stillness. I am also doing a year long program about Ayurveda, the sister science to yoga about habits to improve your health and well being. We started habit tracking, and one of the habits I wanted to encourage was more movement and exercise, it was at the top of my list. I hurt myself the day before we started tracking .

Now if you know me I am a total checklist girl! If there was a 30 day challenge I was all in. If I thought I couldn't do it, I wouldn't sign up. I needed to fill in ALL OF THE BOXES!! Or really what was the point. So here I was looking at this checklist with unfilled in squares (I'll be honest here I changed the way I filled it out so that they were all filled in: red meaning I didn't do it at all, yellow meaning I tried but it wasn't completely what I intended, and green good job Erin). There was a lot of red. This was difficult for me. I thought about delaying when I started, I thought about changing the habits I was tracking... in the end I realized that maybe the lesson here was less about the habits I was tracking and more about sitting in the ickiness of not succeeding. So I filled in my red squares. And became okay with it I guess.

But it switched to another thing. Whatever the habit was we were talking about that week I needed to do EVERYDAY. NO COMPROMISE. If I couldn't do it I wasn't giving it my best effort. MORE TAPAS!!!! This week I have been trying to exercise before breakfast, some time on the elliptical and then yoga to stretch after. I had done two whole days in a row. Well done me, and this morning I felt sore and tired and grumpy. I knew I wasn't up to the elliptical and I was prepared to just eat and giant heavy breakfast and throw my hands up own the air.

But I heard the whisper. My body whispered to me that it wanted to stretch and move. Please... my shoulders are tight, and my back is sore... So I pulled out the mat and did half an hour of very slow mindful movement. Then I meditated, chanting to be specific. Chanting Shiva's mantra. Shiva is said to be the very first yogi. 108 times. Then I sat is silence for who knows how long. Ahhh, home.

The message I needed to hear today was this; these things we sign up to learn or do, all become tools for your toolbox. I took my yoga teacher training and that knowledge that I gained there helped me through my recovery over and over again. I don't always need to pull on that tool from my toolbox, but it is there when I need it. The things I am learning my my Ayurveda course are more tools. I need to try them out, know how to use them so that when I need to reach for them I can. Reaching for my Phillips head screwdriver is no good when I really need a fire extinguisher. You need the right tool for the job. So my opportunity is to understand how to use these new tools so that I can reach for them when I need them. THIS IS NOT A PASS OR FAIL SITUATION!!! It is all just practice for real life.

I have a friend who is a pretty serious athlete, although I don't think she wold consider herself that way. She struggles with nutrition and food, and hates to cook. But at her level of "sport" food becomes a major player. She has gotten lots of information on what she should or shouldn't be eating, methods for tracking (oooh hello checklist), and all of it has mad her more and more anxious, and made her feel like a failure (again, helloooo checklist!). So for her, and anyone who is feeling like a failure for not sticking to a diet, exercise plan, house cleaning regiment (insert your checklist here) I offer up this:

What if it all became a tool you could access, rather than a pass or fail. You don't sit down and know how to play the piano in 2 hours. It takes practice. It isn't an all or nothing thing. You can do something. Something is better than nothing.

And the first thing I urge everyone to do is learn how to listen to yourself. I said before that I know that my highest self, my true self doesn't use the word should. It chooses "am". I am tired. Not you shouldn't be tired today. It uses the words "want" and "need". It makes me feel complete rather than like a failure. It pushes me forward while still acknowledging where I am at. Mediation brings me to a place where I can hear that voice. For my friend I was talking about it is running (which I will always consider a place of moving meditation). Understanding and listening for your voice, your "Self" is an important skill for making your best choices, treating yourself with kindness and moving forward. A voice free of ego, and others' expectations.

So when you see the red or empty space on the check list, you have a question to ask yourself. Did I just not feel like doing it, or was I listening carefully and honouring myself. Neither is good or bad, just information. If you just didn't feel like doing it, that is good information too. Being aware of your choices is important. Discerning the difference is tricky work, but important to understanding why you make the choices you do. And the work here is to be aware of the choices you make and why you make them. Responding rather than reacting. For me I know it is a reaction when I throw my hands up in the air and think that I might as well give up, or think about moving the goal posts to succeed. Responding was sitting in the red squares and knowing that it had nothing to do with my self worth. The one time I threw my limit of caffeinated beverages out the window, and filled it in red, I had a terrible sleep and felt anxious the next day. That "failure" was just as good information, if not better as the successful days.

Notice your choices, be gentle and yet honest with yourself. Life is not all or nothing, pass or fail. So the way we live isn't ether. All just information. Grist for the mill.